Saying Goodbye
by Lemmy
Summary: He lost many things in his life, including the one he loved, but when he loses another he loved, he can't take the pain of not being able to say goodbye, will someone intervene and help him get back on his path? please R


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AN: I wrote this a while ago after seeing the hundredth episode of Angel.

*Spoilers For finale of Buffy and hundredth episode of Angel*

He stood in front of the Memorial, a dozen roses in his hand, his head was bowed, his one good eye closed, as if he was praying. He wasn't praying. He had no one to pray to. He was remembering. Remembering her. The way she smiled, the way she laughed, the way she made obscene comments at the most serious times. He loved her and she was gone. He knelt down and traced her name, which was carved in the stone. The memorial was for all who had lost their lives in Sunnydale, but it was her name that stuck out the most for him, the woman he could have spent the rest of his life with if he wasn't an idiot. A tear rolled down his cheek, he placed the roses on the ground and stood up. He wiped his tears away and just stood there, not moving, not wanting to leave from that spot and go wallow in his sadness. He didn't notice the grim figure walking up to him. The older man, put a hand on his shoulder and whispered something in his ear. His legs became weak, he collapsed to the ground in sobs, muttering three words over and over again.

"Not her too... Not her too..."

The older man kneeled down beside him and embraced him as he allowed the sobs to overtake him.

***

They all flew back to the states later in the week, just the original scoobies. They were picked up at the Los Angeles airport, by Angel who looked even more broody then he normally did.

The Vampire had explained to them what had happened, the visions, the higher powers, and the mystical coma that seemingly killed her, he seemed very torn over it as did the rest of his team, who all stood at the gravesite with the scoobies, both of her families.

With both of the women, he truly loved in his life gone, Xander Harris didn't think he had much to live for. He had his two best friends, that he loved dearly, but they wouldn't share their lives with him, he lost that chance... twice.

***

They stayed with Angel that night at his Penthouse, he was talking with Buffy and Giles quietly, Willow talked with Fred and Wesley and Xander stood by the window looking out at the view that he had no idea, was commented on by one of the women he loved, only days before.

Thoughts raced around in his head, mostly "What if it was Different?", "What if it was me?", "What if she didn't catch me with Willow?", "What if I didn't leave her at the alter?"

He knew that if things had been different with his mortal enemy turned girlfriend, he never would have met Anya, it was because of Cordelia he met her and fell head over heels in love with the ex-vengeance demon.

He turned from the window and knocked right into Lorne.

"Whoa, sugarcakes, I think you and me have to have a talk"

Xander just nodded, not caring. He didn't feel like he needed to care anymore. Lorne led him into Angel's bedroom, he could feel the eyes of friends boring into his back. He didn't want their sympathy, he just wanted the pain to go away.

"I don't like these feelings I'm getting from you, champ" said Lorne, "Why don't you sing something for me?"

Xander looked at him annoyed, "What?"

"Sing something for me"

"I don't think so"

"It will make you feel better"

"Nothing will make me feel better"

"I don't think so, now sing something for me and see if I can help"

Xander sighed and tried to think of a song, to make Lorne leave him alone.

A song did come to him, he wasn't sure how he remembered it, but it reminded him of her and one of the many happy times they had, yet it made him feel even guiltier because of what the words meant.

__

She is the one, 

she's such wonderful fun, 

such passion and grace.

He started in a faint whisper, Lorne had to lean in to hear him and with the words the distraught man sang, the demon was hit with pangs of pain and guilt and longing.

__

Warm in the night, 

when I'm right in her tight embrace, 

tight embrace.

Lorne watched him sadly, his eye was closed and his voice got a little louder, he could see the images floating around in Xander's mind, he saw that he needed to say some things to the two women he loved and lost and he saw that this man, wouldn't get over his sadness until he did. It made Lorne wonder, why couldn't Cordelia say good-bye to everyone she loved, not just her friends in LA, when she had so many others that cared for her.

Xander went on with the song, neither he or Lorne noticed Dawn come in and sit under the window, knees drawn up to her chest, tears rolling down her face as she listened to Xander's song.

__

I'll never let her go, 

the love we've known can only grow,

there's just one thing that...no, I'll never tell

He saw himself and Cordy, in Buffy's basement, kissing for the first time, then he saw her shocked face when she caught him and Willow, he saw her pale form in the hospital room after she was impaled. He saw Anya in his basement, her dress falling from her body, he then saw Anya slap him after he proposed and he saw her broken, when he left her at the alter. How could he dare ask to have one more day with the two he loved, after what he had done to them? He had no right. 

Xander stopped singing and looked at Lorne, "I'm done"

Lorne nodded and they both turned at Dawn's small voice, "Don't stop, it sounded so nice"

Xander looked at Dawn sadly and went to sit beside her, she didn't know Cordy that well, but she hated when the people around her were sad because of the people they lost.

"You need to stop feeling guilty, you have no reason to feel that way"

He looked at Lorne, "I can't, I don't think I ever will"

"They both forgave you, they both loved you in the end"

Xander didn't reply, he just looked away trying to hide his tears.

"It's the only way for you to escape the pain"

"I never got to say good-bye"

"Maybe you'll get a chance"

"I don't deserve a chance"

"Well, there's no point in arguing with you"

Lorne stood up and left, Xander and Dawn in the room.

"I miss Anya too, Xander"

"I know Dawn"

"I liked Cordy, I miss her too"

Xander smiled, he hadn't heard very many people say they liked Cordelia.

"Did I see a smile?"

"Maybe"

"Are you going to stop feeling guilty for whatever you're feeling guilty about?"

"I don't know"

"Maybe you should, if it makes you feel better"

"I may never feel better Dawn"

"Well, remember, you have me, and Buffy and Willow"

"I know"

"We love you Xander"

She laid her head on his shoulder and soon fell asleep. Xander carefully picked her up and placed her on Angel's bed, he brushed the hair out of her eyes.

He knew they loved him, he loved them as well, but they couldn't love him in the ways he needed to be loved.

"Xander"

He turned at the sound of the voice, he stood up when he saw who it was.

"Don't looked so shocked Harris"

"Cordy?"

"Yeah, it's me, long time no see"

He nodded, still in awe.

"How?"

"Well, Angel must have left out the part where I visited them for a while, said my good-byes, a little gift from the powers after putting me through hell last year, I asked a favor from them, give me a chance to come to you, I had to put Angel back on his path and now I have to point you in the right direction"

"What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said, I need to put you back on the path you started down in high school"

"I'm still on that path"

"You think you are Xander, but anyone can tell, ever since she died. Your heart's not in the good fight anymore"

Xander didn't reply, he just turned and stared out the window. She walked over to him and put an arm around him, he didn't move.

"Cordy..." the late seer could hear the emotion in his voice, she looked up at him to see a tear roll down his face, she wiped it away, he looked at her, "I miss her"

"I know and I know what's bothering you"

She pulled him into a kiss, he closed his eyes, just letting her do it, he opened his eyes just to be looking into the eyes of the woman that should be his wife. He jumped back.

"The First..." he whispered.

Anya rolled her eyes, "No, not the first, defeated it, remember? That's why Sunnyhell, is just a literal hole in the ground"

"Anya?"

"No, The Easter bunny" she cringed after she realized what she said, Xander had to smile before he took her in his arms.

She smiled, "Missed you too"

"How?"

"Cordelia, she had a long argument with the powers, and they finally allowed both of us to come and see you"

"Ahn.... I... I have so many things I want to say..."

"I know Xander and there will be time, but that time wont be for a very long while"

"Why?"

"Cause you're going to live to be a very old, wrinkly man and when you die we can talk for as long as you want"

He looked at her sadly, "You're here just to say goodbye?"

She nodded, "It wont be forever, just for a little while and I'll always be there when you need me, but now there are others that need you, you can't turn your back on them"

"I haven't..."

"You have, for a while, you stopped seeing Xander, you need to start seeing again"

"Sorta hard to do, one eye and all"

"Don't joke, you know what I mean"

He nodded.

"So, you promise me, that you will watch over everyone here, Dawn, Buffy, Willow, Giles and the girls?"

"I will"

Anya smiled, "I love you Xander Harris, even though you can be so stupid and stubborn sometimes"

Xander smiled, he pulled her into his arms for one last kiss.

"Good bye Xander"

"Goodbye Ahn"

She smiled as she faded away, though she had gone, he heard Cordelia's voice faintly in his ear, "I love you too loser, tell everyone goodbye for me"

Xander smiled and looked over at Dawn who was still sleeping peacefully, he pulled a blanket over her and started towards the door, finally feeling like a weight had been lifted from him.

****

END


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